final resting place

Existence is elsewhere

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 09:02:14 GMT

I'm trying so hard to feel alright about everything. To be happy again. It's all a state of mind, right? If true happiness is a real thing, then so is true unhappiness. Yin and Yang. Karmic balance. As happy as I was in the year and a half living back at home, I have nothing tangible to show for it. I'm back in school and I'm back to being miserable. Clearly I'm on the wrong path; a self-destructive one. I just don't know any other way out.

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:11:58 GMT

The week just went from bad to way fucking worse. Doesn't look like I'm coming home for christmas.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 09:49:24 GMT

Lately, the greatest conflicts involve sleeping in or going to class, and assuming I've gone with number two, what to eat afterwards?
I need to make new, less responsible, not-college-type friends quick or I'm going to remain a shut-in and lose what little social skills I've accumulated over the last 5 years.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 09:47:31 GMT

   Desert drama is like a snow globe (substitute for dry heat) that is so easy to get comfortable in. I can come home for a day and hear about everything and feel like it's somehow important or affecting me. It sounds like a bad thing, but life is so much simpler when your biggest problem is who's with who or what they did last Saturday night. Getting away from it is as easy as driving an hour west. Even so, I miss being home and cooking dinner with mom and watching the sunrise shitfaced every morning with the friends whom I never thought I could become any closer with. Bad situations that turned into stronger friendships, made short work of the ineffectual ones, and other friendships intertwining! It's so beautiful.

   Between school going so uncharacteristically well and my social life blossoming into exactly how I've always wanted it, my life has an inexplicably harmonious feel to it.

   Anyways, they told me I need a checklist so I continue to get things done, so here we go.

Short term goals: Be a pro street fighter 4 player by December. Chicago trip for new years. 1 month pilgrimage to Japan and China in summer of 2010. Live and attend a university anywhere but southern California in Fall 2010. Investigate graduate schools. Buy new clothes by next week.
Long term goals: Meet a nice girl that doesn't have tattoos. Graduate. Work somewhere I'm not too miserable. Get a house, preferably on a beach but, again, not in southern California. Be a fuckin' man and shit. Continue being badass indefinitely.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 08:08:25 GMT

I might already hate this place. I'm not sure yet, but I'm really staying pretty positive so far. I need a weekend already!

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:42:25 GMT

This is it!

I'm leaving everyone again. This time I'm an entirely different person. Probably a worse one but at least far more experienced and ready than that old me! Fresh out of high school.. what was I ready for? The real world? Responsibilities? Fuckk noo. This time I'm going to be alright.

I really want to leave, but that's not to say I don't wish I could stay, too. I love so many people here, but leaving won't mean that's over with, right? These past two week's tribulations were tough in their own way, but it also brought me closer to the people that do care about me. And I don't blame the desert for my problems. It's not the desert's fault. A lot of people here do suck, and it's true that there's not a lot to do, but seriously, there aren't problems that can't be solved..so go handle it! I don't like complainers that don't help themselves!

I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to a lot of people that I hold dear to my heart. I know it's not a HUGE deal and this whole thing is a bit dramatic since I'm not moving too far, but I have no intention of being here often. I can't get too comfortable with falling back on my parents..I'm all about moving forward.
There is a future I desire and I'm not going to be stuck where I'm at!

Stephanie, Chad, Cody, Kyle, Jason, Ryan, Bri, Bodhi, Giselle, Casey. I want to dedicate this bit to these people that have either given me the utmost support in all I've done or have shown me that the real world is not to be feared, and that anyone can make it if they want it. Happiness is within reach.. always!
I also need to devote a special thanks towards these individuals whose lives have inspired the discontent in my own: Gabe, Heather, Chody, Paulina and CJ. You've shown me how I never want to be! I wish to be far, far ahead of you in this path of life and, at risk of sounding even more self-righteouss, I hope you can all learn to make wise decisions.. Be true to yourselves and the people that care about you, it's the most important thing!
Every one of you is a blessing in my life that I am truly grateful for.

Ps. My house will always be open to friendly faces, especially on weekends!

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 11:05:17 GMT

Ive truly never been so hurt in my entire life. Now I understand. There is no worse feeling than this.

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 05:07:49 GMT

Where there was once an innocent smile that hid both naivety and joy
the mirror shows only a bitter scowl.
hatred and scorn dwells now in the places of my heart once reserved for people i loved.

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 10:15:12 GMT

Sometimes you think you're doing someone a favor,
and then they just piss all over you.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 01:52:50 GMT

Mentally preparing my heart to leave home a second time, I feel no tug on my soul to keep me here. Nothing to hold me back. It isn't going to hurt this time. Time reveals your true natures like your conversations show your inner ugliness. Moving on with my life takes on a whole new meaning, my third wind. I've had my fair share of chances and it's high time to make right of everything. Everyone trying to do nothing can kiss my ass because you're not worth anyone's time of day.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:20:45 GMT

I don't feel like myself.

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 10:00:19 GMT

It's time I went to new lengths to grow up. Everyone around me feels like scabs waiting to be peeled off. It'll hurt for a second but once they're gone I'll forget I even cared.

If someone hurts someone i care about I'll be sure to not open that individual with open arms and ignore their outstanding flaws simply to 'avoid drama' or whatever bullshit you want to spew. I say eliminate the problem at its source.
Inevitably people will say it sounds immature, but my peers are in no standing whatsoever for me to want to compare my actions to. They ignore problems believing that's a reasonable decision. If you've ever sympathized with my problems and know specifically what I am talking about, then fuck you if you're cool with him. I don't need anyone that plays both sides. Yes, I still hold a grudge. I dare you to tell me 'get over it' again. It's nothing to do with getting over it; it's having a judge of character.

I'm drawing the line. I'd rather bleed out than let you call me your friend.

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 13:34:37 GMT

another fucking awesome day.
hung out with paulina.
placed second in the southern california sf4 tournament thanks to chad and gabe supporting me
roadtripped to san diego for full circle tattoo's 1year anniversary party. a block of ocean beach covered in beautiful people hangin out drinkin free drinks and munchin on free sushi.
kicked it with wane kyri kyle and codee.
good fuckin times nonstop

short term goal: by 2010 have a place with wane khan in riverside finishing school at ucr, have a half sleeve and chest piece by bill canales, have my owl finished and colored and just be a beautiful motherfucker all day.

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 10:53:43 GMT

Entropy. It's scientific proof that everything gets progressively worse. Especially life.

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 05:36:13 GMT

Im spending my saturday at a dive bar. Me and Jackie D are gonna kick it

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 10:12:24 GMT

My very least favorite holiday is right around the corner. I'm probably going to stay home all day, but maybe go out of town. I don't know. I really hate it.

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 11:24:50 GMT

Death lurks behind every one of us waiting.. Live it up, man.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 20:30:13 GMT

I'm very much on my way to becoming a bitter old man.

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:34:43 GMT

I love it here.
To come to any place with no plans prior has lended to ridiculous experiences and I feel that it couldn't work out so well in any other city.
I'm staying with Steve Sorensen, Jack and two beautiful french girls that speak the worst english but it's probably the cutest thing ever... ever.
After waking up in a haze to move my car and consequently falling down some stairs, I hiked it back to the apartment to Jack puking on and off for about two hours and whining about his headache. Steve went to class so me and Jack went awalkin'.
Haight street consists of cops, undercover cops, bums, boutiques, coffeeshops, runaways, drugdealers, asians and hipsters. It's all meshed together like a kind of theme park, except better. Nowhere else in the world can such a combination really tie together like this.
Last night I flirted with the bartender and got two beers and a pitcher of hefeweizen on the house. Even Sebastian came to hang out.
Today a drunk englishman with a heavy cockney accent tried to pick a fight with me in a scummy drinking hole on Haight over a game of pool but luckily it wound down to nothing shortly before two sfpd's waltzed in to arrest a bum for drinking on the street.
The city is majestic simply because there isn't anywhere else like it. Even the weather here is its own paradigm. 70 degree weather in the middle of january makes tackling the hills on Loumbard that much more enjoyable.

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 09:12:00 GMT

To me, girls are like movies...

I liked the trailer more.

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 01:15:23 GMT

My day begins with Ibi Dreams of Pavement and it ends with Swimmers.
Life isn't all bad. I'm done being distracted by other people's petty problems. I have a goal and in the next few weeks I'll be back and forth from riverside getting prepared to start school again before this year ends...which will be me working towards fulfilling my 2009 resolution. When I think about having a solid goal for once in my life, I have the same feeling you get when it's cloudy and the sun peeks out and lands right on your arm. It feels great. I'm not bathing in that light yet, but hell I'm still young. I wish I was planning my retirement but instead I got a lot to do but it beats being dragged into the lives of hollow people. I'm getting out again!

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 07:59:37 GMT

Honestly, my heart is liable to explode any day now. I want so much to happen right now but it just doesn't work that way. I don't know how to deal with it properly.

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 08:38:12 GMT

What a beautiful day. Really.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 08:32:57 GMT

I'm so confused on so many levels. Somebody please tell me what to do now...
I feel like my life was less stressful before but in actuality this whole thing has revived my senses and I've honestly been so...happy. These facts I cannot deny, as much as I would like to. Even if I don't get the answer I want, everything will be alright.

ps. oh so tired of going out every day. It's hermit time this week. Gotta keep up on my reading and writing

Salty sweet

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 10:13:50 GMT

Wherever I go, the critic sits with me. I hate him. He observes every choice I make, every word I say, every action I take. I won't hear from him when I'm with friends and it's time to drink but he always returns when I'm alone. He always reminds me of every little detail; every little error. I can't tell him to leave me alone because he's always been here. Always watching. Always trying to make me better. Always making me smarter and wiser every day.

I truly believe that if you can remove any doubts from your mind, you can achieve anything. Some call that faith. I think it needs its own name.